Torchwood versus The Killer Rabbit
by lone-star-woman
Summary: Crossover with Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Jack arrives at the hub with an enchanter with a fondness for pyrotechnics and a not-so-cute bunny. One shot of crack! Gory violence included. Sorry Jack, but at least you get the last word.


I recently watched _Monty Python and the Holy Grail _for what seems like the twentieth time, and the plot bunny hopped in my head. Please stop and read. It's short and kind of funny.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own any of these characters. Torchwood belongs to the BBC and RTD. The Killer Rabbit and Tim the Enchanter belong the collective minds of Cleese, Idle, Palin, Chapman, Jones, and Gilliam. I only play with them because it's fun.

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**Torchwood versus The Killer Rabbit**

"Where the hell is Jack?" Owen barks in annoyance.

The others look around and realize that they didn't notice that he was missing. They all shrug and get back to work.

"Oi! No one is worried that he's buggered off again?" the doctor asks.

"He'll be back," Ianto replies.

"How do you know?" Owen demands.

The Welshman stands up and straightens his suit. "Because, I promised him a --"

FLASH! BANG!!!!

Out of nowhere a burst of flames appears in the center of the hub. Tosh grabs the extinguisher and attempts to douse the fire, but when she stops, Jack and a strange man appear and are covered with the foam from the extinguisher.

"Oh," Tosh says. "Owen was just wondering where you were."

Jack wipes away the fire retardant from his face and says, "Well, that's no way to greet a guest."

With another flash, the stranger cleans himself in an instant.

"I didn't realize that you were bringing the dry cleaner to us," Ianto remarks. "I've got a load of Jack's clothes that need cleaning. Slacks mainly. Do you fluff and fold?"

"Greetings!" bellows the gray-bearded man who has rams horns on his skullcap. "I am an Enchanter."

Jack stops him before he sets off another flash. "You do that all you want in the middle of nowhere, but not in my home. Agreed?"

The Enchanter looks crestfallen, "Agreed."

"So does this Enchanter have a name?" Owen asks suspiciously.

"_There are some who call me... 'Tim'...?_" the stranger answers.

"What the hell is he doing here, Jack?" Gwen asks.

With a swish of his cape, Tim reveals a small cage that contains a small white rabbit. "Behold and gaze in awe and terror at the face of the monster of Caerbannog!"

"You took off work to play with a fluffy bunny?" Owen says in disbelief.

"This is no ordinary rabbit," Tim explains in a theatrical fashion. "It is a beast most foul with _a vicious streak a mile wide_**.** Itpounces on its prey, biting them with _nasty, big, pointy teeth_."

To illustrate, Tim pretends his two fingers are fangs and chases Owen around the hub.

"_What an eccentric performance_," Tosh comments.

"Well, he's out of your hands now. We can take it from here," Jack says as he takes the cage. "Thank you for bringing me back to my own time."

"You mean I can't stay for tea?" Tim inquires.

"No tea, just coffee," Ianto says.

"Could I ride the pterodactyl?" the enchanter asks in a tone befitting a six-year-old child.

Owen shakes his head and says, "Sorry, mate, but she'd probably just bite your head off."

"_You make me sad_," Tim sulks. But he composes himself and bellows, "I must be going anyway."

"Hold on. Remember the rule about the flashing," Ianto says.

"How is going to get home?" Tosh asks. "We can't send him out into the twenty-first century dressed like an Arthurian legend."

"We can get him something from the archives," Gwen suggests.

Jack scratches his head, "Well, his home is in the tenth century. All right, Tim. You can do what you need to do. Just this once."

"Farewell!" Tim shouts as he disappears in a ball of smoke and fire.

Tosh quickly picks up the fire extinguisher and puts out the pile of flaming reports.

"Next time, you invite a guest, remind me to fire proof the hub," Ianto says dryly.

Owen examines the cage and the rabbit within, "He can't be serious about Peter Cottontail, can he?"

The doctor opens the cage, but before the rabbit can strike, Jack pushes him away. The rabbit tears open the Captain's jugular vein, causing him to spew blood all over the hub until he dies. Then, the rabbit lunges towards Ianto who smacks it with a hockey stick.

The once ravenous rodent lies unconscious of the floor.

"Is it dead?" Tosh asks weakly.

Owen takes the stick from Ianto and pokes it twice, "I wouldn't be too sure. Gwen, as second in command, I suggest you pick it up."

"You pick it up," Gwen says. "You should be following my orders."

"I think I remember something in the Book of Armaments about the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch ," Ianto says. "It is said that such a weapon can '_blow Thine enemies to tiny bits__._'"

"Yeah, destroy the hub. Great idea," Owen snarks.

"All right, since all of you are cowards. I'll deal with it," Tosh says.

But just as she walks away to get a broom and a dustpan, the rabbit begins to stir and gets back on its four paws. It shakes its fluffy, little body.

"_Run away! Run away!!_" Gwen yells as the team rushes into Jack's office.

Owen slams the door shut, and the noise stirs Myfanwy from her nest. She flies over the room, surveying the fire damage and Jack's dead body, when she notices the Killer Rabbit. With a delighted screech, she dives towards her prey and swoops it up, breaking its neck in her beak as she carries it back to her nest. She happily tears at its flesh and nibbles on its entrails while cooing a happy tune. _And there is much rejoicing_. Yay!

Ianto runs to Jack's side and props his head up on his lap. With a gasp and a shudder, the Captain comes back to life. "What happened?" the immortal man asks.

"Myfanwy just earned herself a chocolate bar tonight," the Welshman says as he lifts Jack to his feet. "How's your neck?"

Jack touches his throat where the gash should be. The blood on his clothes and the torn shirt are the only evidence that he was ever mauled by the dreaded Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog. "_It's only a flesh wound_," he replies with a shrug.

The (_llama_) End

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_A/N: The stuff in italics are quotes from the movie. _


End file.
